The other day, I wrote a short post on welcome. I noted that the people most likely to have their eyes open for visitors are typically those with their hands full of other tasks on a Sunday morning. Churches are often not good at welcoming visitors because the people who might do it are busy and most others either don’t see the issue or haven’t been equipped to do it. The answer to this problem is to therefore train a wider range of people in welcome. You can read the full post here.

One person, in response to that post, left the following comment:

I agree with the diagnosis, I agree with the prescription (training) but have questions about the contents. HOW do we train people to have a conversation in the manner you have suggested?

I didn’t think that an unreasonable question so I thought I would answer it today.

The first thing to do is to make them aware of the problem. Everyone knows how they feel when they walk into an unknown environment, nobody speaks to them and they are sat on their own feeling like a lemon. We also know that if we don’t talk to those people, the chances are that very few of them will come back. If we do stick around, when the place becomes familiar to us and we know a good number of folk, we tend to default to talking to people we know already. We either get so engrossed in our conversations we don’t see people on their own or we know those conversations are less comfortable than those with familiar people so we don’t push ourselves to have them. In either case, we simply stop looking for the lonely people, who do not feel welcome and so do not return, and we become oblivious to the problem.

Step one, then, in your every-member-welcome training programme is to state these basic facts to the entire church:

1. People looking lost and on their own (including families who are only speaking to each other) must be welcomed by the members of the church
2. People who are not being spoken to and welcomed are unlikely to come back, and if people never come back our church will never grow
3. It is every member’s job to make sure those on their own are welcomed and engaged in conversation so make sure you actively look for and seek out people on their own

These things should be repeated often and regularly. Say them at your members’ meetings, announce them from the front in your Sunday meeting, remind people at the end of the meeting to look out for new people. This is one of those church things that cannot be overcommunicated.

Step two in your every-member-welcome training programme is to create a system (whether formally or informally) for getting people through the door and engaging with people. The easiest and most obvious way to begin this process – and most churches have cracked onto this – is to stick somebody (or several somebodies) on the door to greet people. Sadly, most churches don’t think much beyond this. The reality is, once people are through the door, you need to think about how you will get them from the greeters to other members who will speak with them. You similarly need to think about how you will maintain this until the person leaves the church that morning and feels thoroughly welcomed by a set of people who all appeared interested in them and very pleased that they were there. Finally, you need to think about how you will repeat this process the following week without reeling off the same stuff by rote that you asked the previous week.

There is not a one-size-fits-all way to accomplish step two. I think there are some things that can help make it easier or harder. For example, as I mentioned in my previous post, I think tea and coffee before the service makes this more natural and much easier to accomplish than having it afterwards. But wherever you put the coffee, you still need to think about how you will accomplish these things most helpfully in your context. But, again, you need to formulate a system for getting people from entrance to exit without much, if any time, where they are left alone to twiddle their thumbs and feels awkward. Once you know the process, you need to communicate it often and regularly to the church, explaining what you are trying to achieve and how this ultimately achieves it.

Third, and finally, you need to actually train individuals in the nitty-gritty of these things. Sometimes we shy away from training people in how to greet someone because it feels like teaching your grandma to suck eggs. Surely everyone know how to greet people? Aren’t we just patronising people? Well, to be honest, step into 90% of evangelical churches and you will soon realise that is claptrap. Most churches are truly awful at welcoming new people and even our best ones are often not brilliant. Many of us simply do not realise what it takes many people to cross the lintel of a church and don’t make it especially easy for them when they do! So, at the risk of patronising some, you need to teach your people the absolute basics of how to welcome someone, how to greet them, how to engage them in conversation and the art of sustaining a conversation.

Some of the basic things you need to tell your people are:

1. When you meet someone for the first time, look at them, smile at them and make it clear you are glad they are here.
2. Have a stock of questions to ask: What is your name? Where do you live? Have you been here before? What do you do for work? What brings you here this morning?
3. Offer back information about yourself such as your own name, where you live and how long you have been coming here. It is typically better to offer up information about yourself as you ask your question e.g. “my name is Steve, it’s really nice to meet you, what is your name?”
4. Invite someone with you to come and get a cup of tea with them. You can have your conversation as you are moving. You can also introduce them to other people as you go.
5. When people answer your questions, pick up on details and respond to it. Try to establish common connections. It helps conversations flow and it makes people feel heard.
6. Offer up information about yourself, the church, the area, as well as asking questions about the other person. All questions can feel like an interrogation; no questions can feel like disinterest.
7. If and when you have run out of things to say, introduce this person to someone else who can chat with them. It is better for them to repeat themselves than to be left alone feeling awkward.

These things may seem obvious to some, but my experiences in most churches is that few get beyond #2 before running out of things to say and staring at you awkwardly. Not only do you need to tell your people to do these things regularly, but it would probably pay to get them to practice these conversations. We seem quite happy asking ESOL people to practice speaking in basic conversations, but we feel silly asking native English speakers without basic social skills to do the same. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Practice will lead to improvement.

People may feel a bit stupid being asked to pretend to another member in order to practice holding a conversation. I suspect they might feel grateful when they are next faced with an actual person they don’t know. They will probably find they start getting beyond merely asking the person’s name before awkwardly staring at them then making their excuses and disappearing, leaving the person with the distinct impression of utter disinterest.

There really is no substitute for clear communication about what the church is trying to achieve, seeing good examples of people doing it that others can copy and then practicing, over and over again, until it becomes second nature. People may feel a bit foolish being asked to do these things and some of our members might feel patronised, but that is a small price to pay and is certainly preferable to the shoddy welcome and terrible conversation we endure in most churches most of the time.