Yesterday was my mum’s funeral. I may write up some general reflections on it if and when I can marshal my thoughts. But I was asked to write the eulogy, so I thought I would share what was read out with you here.
Given I’m not reading this out, it seems appropriate to begin like an epistle of Paul and note from the outset that this is coming from the pen (or rather, keyboard) of Beth’s second child, Steve. This gives plausible deniability to the rest of the family and perhaps especially to the reader for its contents! My hope is to capture something of mum in the various memories of her husband, children and grandchildren.
If there is a word that sums mum up, I suppose it is caring. Not only was it something she brought to most jobs she did, and it was literally the name of the job she did the most, it summed up her approach to being a wife and mother too. Mum was always caring for others and looking for how she could express that care in tangible ways.
It was care that really brought mum and dad back to Liverpool. The main reason they had come was to be nearer to Sarah and Jude when they were in particular need of support. Mum cared so much that she didn’t take a job for 9 months just so she could be available to help them out. Both Sarah and Jude remember how kind mum was during this time.
It was similarly her care and hard work that allowed Dad to go to university as a mature student. Mum managed to work multiple jobs when we had no other means of income and that was how Dad was able to eventually earn his degree. It was her care for him, and more broadly for the family, that led her to do this.
I remember mum’s care particularly for us during our school years. There are the obvious and ordinary things that most parents do, like making packed lunches and getting various uniforms together. But it was typically mum who would come in and sit with me at night to discuss the endless stream of anxieties that floated around school. She was always there to talk things through and help us work out the things that were worrying us.
This didn’t go away when we became adults. When David was flying all over the world, mum would still be ready to take phone calls at all hours of the day or night to have a chat. It didn’t seem to matter when we called, mum was always there ready to listen. Dave recalls that in the final few months, because mum was often up in the night, he had some lovely 3am chats from the other side of the world with her.
In later years, mum would also like to send us what can only be described as incredibly saccharine Instagram and WhatsApp messages telling us how much she loved us. Even though we often found the messages deeply cringeworthy, it really was mum’s way of making her love for us known. Whatever else we made of them, there was no mistaking that mum cared for us and she had no problem telling us!
This love and care clearly extended to all her grandchildren too. Mum would often want to hear about all their achievements, was quick to ask for any photos and often made time to go and see them in various concerts, shows or matches. James and Joshua remember their Nana particularly enjoying listening to them play the piano and both Clement and Aurelie remember her asking them to play their latest pieces on their guitar and flute. Aurelie also remembers that Nana always had time to play games with her and take her out to all sorts of places.
If it wasn’t listening to them play, you could be sure that mum would be keen to express her care through making food. Mum loved cooking for people and trying new recipes. She was never phased if she didn’t have several of the ingredients in because she was always happy to just replace them with something else. It didn’t ever seem to occur to her when she was quick to rubbish the recipe, insisting ‘we won’t be trying that again!’, that she’d actually made a completely different meal altogether because most the key ingredients had been swapped out for things that weren’t remotely equivalent! Nevertheless, when she was onto a winner, we would all request it again and again. It was rare that we didn’t get together and insist on mum making her famous pavlova.
But it wasn’t only care for our family that mum was keen to give. Dad particularly remembers the way she cared for the many missionaries, evangelists and mission teams who would stay with us. If they needed a base as they travelled, mum was quick to offer our home and ensure they were cared for with good food and accommodation.
She often showed care by taking on mass catering. Whether it was at Bible College where mum stepped in to cater for the students or on Beach Missions cooking as Dad led the team, mum would provide for whoever needed it. She even catered for more than 500 people at the United Beach Mission reunion, just days after she had come out of major surgery and very much in pain! This was typically mum, concerned for others, caring for their needs and meeting those needs with the best she could offer.
Mum also liked to express care through gift giving. She would often spontaneously buy a gift for somebody because “it made me think of you”. She never shied away from showing people love and concern in their time of need. Whether they were struggling or going through a difficult time, mum would often send gifts to cheer them up, she’d ring or show up and offer support.
Her daughters-in-law particularly remember mum making them both hampers. Only, these were not any old hampers. They had to be hampers full of things that began with the first letter of their name. Rachel had a hamper full or things beginning with R and Ivy one of things beginning with I. It almost didn’t matter whether you liked the thing or not or how torturously linked any item was to the first letter of your name, if she found it and it began with the right letter, in it went. It was simultaneously very sweet and thoughtful – caring as mum often was – and yet completely bonkers!
That sense of being a bit bonkers was not a one-off thing. Mum – right up until her very last breath – was prone to a lot of silliness. Sarah remembers mum taking great pleasure in hiding around the house and then jumping out to scare her. This wasn’t just as a child, but even when she was an adult, particularly when she went on holiday with mum and dad and her son Jude. That sort of silliness was typical of mum. Even when she was in and out of consciousness in her hospital bed, Sarah remembers mum opening her eyes, jabbing her in the ribs just because she could, winking at her before going back to sleep! As we were all around the bedside, mum would still occasionally make silly jokes here and there, for example if someone says ‘right’, she said ‘left’. Mum was making silly jokes right up until the end.
It wasn’t all jokes though. Mum was also very particular. She would often claim, ‘you know me, I just go with the flow’, which it turns out was code for ‘I have a specific plan’. Mum would frequently want to give you the impression that you had a choice, which we all knew didn’t really exist. Many was the time that she would say we could go wherever we wanted or eat at whatever restaurant we liked, but it soon became clear mum had a specific plan in mind and if you didn’t happen to pick it, you were wrong!
Much to the embarrassment of the rest of us, mum was particularly particular at restaurants. If the food was not exactly right, it would almost certainly get sent back. But the same applied at home, as anybody who tried to make her a coffee soon found out! Her coffee had to be made in a particular mug, from a particular machine, with the milk put in first, pre-heated in a microwave, before coffee was even brought into the equation. Anybody who failed to stir it afterwards would find the coffee sent back. The funny thing is, as particular as all that sounds, you could guarantee she would change her mind about the process the following week and be just as fussy about that!
This desire to control things also extended to her own Christmas and birthday presents. Dad would be under strict instructions on exactly what gift to buy and, half the time, mum would just go and get it herself to avoid it not being the exact thing she was after. David remembers not buying any of his own clothes until he was over 16 because Mum had very specific thoughts on what he ought to wear. In fairness to her, it is difficult to know whether this was primarily a result of mum’s desire to have everything just so or David’s personal sartorial challenges. Nevertheless, even in her last days, mum had strong opinions on how things should be. She was keen to have her hair done just right and was quite clear when she woke for something to eat, the specific food on offer was not in the plan!
Sadly, not all things were in mum’s control. When she first became sick with cancer, few of us batted an eyelid. As far as we were led to believe, it was little more than a dot on a foot that would be whipped off by a surgeon, never to trouble her anymore. As we now know, that is not how the story played out. The whole situation was out of mum’s control, out of our control and equally out of the control of the doctors. But we know there was someone for whom these things were never out of control.
None of these things took God by surprise and all these things were in his hands. As much as we might have wanted to control them ourselves, only the Lord was in control. We all know what we would have chosen if it were up to us, but we believe in a good and sovereign God and trust that his plans are better than ours. We know how much we wanted mum here with us, which makes it all the more difficult to argue with The Lord wanting her with him. Of course he would! We know that mum is now better off than all of us, enjoying the saviour she loved; and who are we to keep her from that greater joy? She has now completed the work he had for her to do and is enjoying a full, well-earned rest. I am convinced that mum has done a great deal to glorify God in the way she approached death; and I am sure she has already received the welcome all in Christ will hear because of Jesus: ‘well done, good and faithful servant’.
There are two rock solid facts that bring us great comfort. First, that mum loved Jesus and is now with him. Second, by God’s grace and through the faithful witness of both mum and dad, all their children belong to Jesus, as do many of their grandchildren, and so we know we will be reunited with her one day. Though we miss mum terribly and we are incredibly sad she is no longer with us, we are not devastated; we have a certain hope. We know that mum is in Heaven and we are confident that where mum is we will be with her one day. We are sure that we are not saying goodbye to mum forever, just goodbye for now, until we meet again.