I have heard it said that, as a pastor, there are things you can miss and things you can’t. What people tend to mean is that there are certain things you will be expected to be at and other things that matter much less. Often people mean that, if you weren’t available for a party, nobody is too worried but if you miss a funeral of a longstanding member, people are going to notice. And there is lots of truth in the observation.

But I sometimes think we are a bit simplistic in how we think about these things. There are those who insist they would make sure they were at every funeral. Others who are clear to make sure they get to every major bash. On a lesser, but still important, level there are people who are keen to make sure everyone in the church gets a visit. One thing people don’t always factor in is a bit of nuance about knowing our people.

There are, of course, those who would be mortally offended if you do not attend the funeral of their close relative to support them. But there are just as many who would feel it is intruding on a family affair for you to turn up. The answer here is not to simply always go or to always stay home. The key is knowing our people and understanding who are the folks who definitely want you around and who are those who would be happier without you there.

The same goes for visitation. There are some people who can’t get enough visits. Any time the pastor it available, they would love him to pop round and have a cup of tea with them. There are others who are quite content not being visited unless and until they have a specific issue they want to discuss with you. Again, the answer lies not in always visiting or never visiting. The answer is, know your people and do what serves each of them.

Even the form of what we do with people needs a bit of nuance. I was chatting just the other day with someone about this. Some people don’t need a “pastoral visit”, they just want their friend (who might well be the pastor) to go the pub with them and let them get whatever they need to off their chest. They aren’t looking for insight or advice particularly – they might not even need it – they just want half an hour to tell someone else how they’re feeling. Other people do want the advice and wisdom being given to them. Other people just want to be around someone without needing anything else – they just want to be seen – whilst others don’t really want to be around anyone too much at all (certainly not in a group). The answer isn’t a one size fits all. It’s working out what each person wants/needs and then finding ways to best meet it.

The same goes for the kind of meetings we have with people. A friend of mind recently was complaining that a lot of Christians have rubbish food tacked on to their Bible studies whilst he prefers taking people out for good food and having fellowship with them that way. I’ve met lots of people like that. At the same time, I’ve also met lots of people who don’t really want the food at all and if you took them out wouldn’t eat. The point is figuring out who you’re meeting with and what kind of meeting you’re trying to have and then working accordingly.

We might think this means we need an “all things to all people” kind of approach. On some level, that sort of thinking is right. But actually, we aren’t all built the same way either in terms of what we can deliver. I, as a pastor, naturally click with some better than others. I find some of the stuff I’ve mentioned above more helpful or not for me to receive and easier or not to deliver for others. Part of what is helpful is having other people who are able to do some of these things too. Often, different kinds of people – who may be better at areas you do not work so well in – so that they can be that friend to the one who needs what they can deliver better than you can.

You may or may not have others in a position to do these things. But what is clear is that we need to know our people, understand how we can best serve them and then find the most appropriate ways to actually serve them. Nobody wants to be the pastor who foists himself on others when people aren’t for a visit nor the one who turns up unannounced to family gatherings when they aren’t welcome. Neither do they want to be the pastor who never visits anyone when they’re desperate for a visit and won’t go to anything despite repeated invites. Nobody wants to be the pastor who keeps arranging meetings that just make people uncomfortable. But people don’t tick the same way. We have to understand our people as individuals and then work out how to serve them best if we are going to avoid these things.